The Past Keeps Its Power When We Refuse to Accept It

When we've been hurt, what occurs is our mind tricks us into thinking that holding on to the hurt gives us a level of control. We keep pointing to the person or event that happened, or the person who wronged us. We keep thinking that staying angry keeps the power in our hands.

The idea is that holding on means we are continuing to point to the person that hurt us, or the memory that caused the hurt. We are the ones that have been hurt and they are the wrong ones. The hardest part becomes letting go.

Here’s the truth:

Holding on doesn't change the past. It only keeps us trapped within the past. That's where radical acceptance comes in.

To get to radical acceptance we need to realize that two opposing thoughts or two opposing truths can exist at the same time. This is what we call dialectics.

This is when we hold two opposing truths at the same time within our mind's eye. It is true that you were hurt and it can also be true that at the same time, you can let the past pain go. It is true that they were wrong in hurting you and it is true that it's up to you now to make changes in your life, to make a life worth living.

That gives you power, that gives you agency. It moves them out of the captain seat and allows you to steer the boat of your life.

Now, a wonderful analogy is The Lion King.

It is a great illustration of story of radical acceptance. You know, as the story goes, Scar causes Mufasa's death but blames Simba for it. Simba runs away from where he lived, indulges in food, sings, has fun with his pals, and living in Hakuna Matata vibes.

Simba, when he does this runs away psychologically from his past through food, indulgence, and by looking away from the past. When what he is doing is he is not creating real changes to make a better life for himself. He is just living a life with no worries, thinking about today, not about tomorrow.

Later on, he goes to Rafiki, after engaging us, the viewers, in sort of a denial with his pals. He goes on to Rafiki, and Rafiki hits him in the head with a stick, and Simba goes, oh, that hurts.

Rafiki goes, oh, but it's in the past.He says, with the past, we can run from it, or we can learn from it.

In that moment, Simba engages in this beautiful thing called radical acceptance, acceptance of what has happened, but that does not mean that he's not going to fight the injustice later on. In fact, the only way he is able to challenge this current and fight the injustice is by accepting the present day reality.

Think about it, if you're so trapped in the past, your mind is within the past, and therefore you won't be able to function in the future, and you won't be able to create meaningful changes in the future and in the present. So you have to engage in full acceptance to fight the injustice of tomorrow, which is what Simba does. He is only able to be present fully and fight the injustice of scar fully once he engages in acceptance and stops running away from his friends.

Some of us fail to accept the past. We hold on so strongly to wrongdoings of others that our nails start to hurt our palms, wrongfully convincing ourselves we are hurting the wrongdoer when we are only exerting so much energy into holding our hand in a fist when we can let our clenched fist go and become much lighter. However, in order to let go of the past and create a life worth truly living, we sometimes have to look into a memory where we felt some level of hurt.

Oftentimes, when an event is painful, what happens is we push it away in our mind, but it is still there in the back of our mind. Radical acceptance requires that we look at the event without judgment at first, then with compassion for ourselves.

Radical acceptance also requires for us to accept there being a level of truth to each opposing viewpoint, and requires for us to hold these opposing truths in our mind. This is called turning the mind. Truth, they hurt you.

True, you also display strength and agency in those hurtful events. Truth, you let the painful event go. Truth is that they hurt you. Truth is it is now you who is suffering, and it is now you who needs to make changes. Truth, they cause you pain. Truth, it is you who has to make changes in your life to create a life worth living.

See the gray area. Hurt, strength, letting go, change, can all coexist at the same time. When you try to emotionally run away from a painful event, the more power the event holds

When you hold on to one truth without looking at the whole event, your brain knows you're lying to it. Your brain, your mind's eye needs to see the complete truth, and that requires turning multiple truths within your mind and looking at the painful event from different angles. Yes, it was true that the person who hurt you also did at a point make you laugh. Yes, that person also hurt you too.

Radical acceptance is hard, but when we resist a stream of water in a river, we feel the pressure of the stream. And when we allow it, the river, the water from the stream to pass, it moves between the rocks and turns and bends across this path, transforming, moving and bending.

So are the painful events. Rejecting builds pressure, but acceptance allows for transformation in how our minds hold painful events. Radical acceptance is so hard to do.

Yet radical acceptance is so hard to do.

However, when it is done radical acceptance also gives us a gift. It gives power back to ourselves.

It gives control back to ourselves. Something we called agency back into our hands as a gift. In fact, acceptance means to receive something.

If you walk into the castle of acceptance and let go of what could have been, what should have been, what might have been, and just accept that you will walk away with a gift, a gift that is a higher wisdom.

At the end of the day, denial says the past shouldn't have been that way. Acceptance says, oh, but it was.

Let's try to accept it mindfully and unlock a gift in the castle of acceptance, a higher wisdom of knowledge.

About the Author

Manpreet Dhaliwal is a trauma-informed Punjabi counsellor based in Surrey, BC, providing culturally sensitive counselling services across British Columbia. She specializes in anxiety, trauma, emotional regulation, relationship issues, and healing using evidence-based approaches including CBT, DBT, and EMDR therapy.

Through the Psychology Now Blog, Manpreet shares practical mental health insights to help individuals better understand emotional patterns, trauma responses, relationships, and personal growth in a compassionate and accessible way.